Self-awareness is a critical topic for employees who strive to be the best performers.
We have two self-awareness sets of nerves. One is our physical nerves designed to keep us healthy. A case in point is trying to grab a hot frying pan! The other set is psychological nerves designed to keep us emotionally healthy, but the need to protect ourselves can become an Achilles heel, leading to demise in our performance. A case in point is our defensive nature when someone criticizes us. Our body automatically becomes “defensive,” and we may act inappropriately to protect ourselves. We are acutely aware of what our physical nerves tell us, which is the reason we don’t pick up the hot pan. Unfortunately, the psychological awareness system is less acute than the physical feedback. Leadership gurus tell us that becoming psychologically self-aware is our greatest challenge. (The authors of The 100X Leader remind us of this fact.)
Examine the following table:
| COMPETENCE | INCOMPETENCE | |
| AWARE | A/C | A/IC |
| NOT AWARE | NA/C | NA/IC |
Obviously, we want to be acutely aware of both our competence and incompetence. Not being aware of our incompetence can derail our careers.
Our psychological defenses can blind us. Whenever we receive information about ourselves, our psychological system will engage in one of three options:
1. Deny.
2. Accept but do nothing.
3. Use information received through psychological messaging as a gift.
The need to protect us from psychological “harm” through denial is precisely why leadership gurus tell us that psychological self-awareness is our greatest challenge. Denial, though, jeopardizes our careers and, ultimately, personal happiness. I’m reminded of the three monkeys displaying the “I see no evil, hear no evil, or speak no evil.” Receiving constructive feedback is not evil, it is a gift.
My 35+ years of consulting tell me that “deniers” are everywhere. How many times have we heard that it is part’s fault or the service department’s fault? I’m sure you’ve heard these stories.
Look at the picture. Do you see at least three fingers pointing back at the hand? Mother Nature is telling us that 60% of the time, it’s our fault when we point our fingers. Finger pointers may lack the necessary self-awareness to know what they are really saying — I don’t have the emotional maturity to accept responsibility for my actions. Or, perhaps they just don’t care.
Can I convert unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence?
The short answer is yes. The long answer is with hard work. The behavioral sequence I’m sharing with you is true for any behavior.
Our very first step is “wanting” to know. A sidebar: The best performers seek feedback from every source. These performers want to know when their behavior negatively impacts working relationships so they can respond more appropriately.
It is essential to become aware when we’re getting ready to use inappropriate behaviors. We can’t change any behavior that we’re not aware of. Whenever our body tells us that we’re getting defensive, we can say to ourselves, I’m guilty until proven innocent as that will help quieten our defensive self-talk designed to protect ourselves. Then, we open our minds to listen to what is being said for several reasons. One, the information we are about to hear could be true, and it is our fault. The second is to listen to understand and learn. Third, we can ask what we could have done better so we’re turning this uncomfortable moment into a learning opportunity.
What I’m about to suggest requires considerable maturity and confidence to be vulnerable. We can ask those with whom we work to be our accountability buddies and offer real-time feedback when they see us about to or acting inappropriately. Yes, that is asking our colleagues to take a psychological risk, particularly if we have the reputation of striking out like a snake. Hopefully, we will have one or two colleagues who will provide honest, real-time feedback. Feedback is a gift; we really need it when trying to change behavior.
Let’s be optimistic and assume that we want to always use more appropriate behavior, which requires extreme vigilance on our part whenever we enter a conversation that even hints at the possibility of us becoming defensive. At that precise moment, we can exert the necessary self-discipline to open our minds to fully listen to understand while telling ourselves to look for the learning opportunities. Just remember, we find that which we look for!
Converting unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence requires considerable effort, and that is just the first step. The next step is the effort needed for us to use the alternate, more appropriate behavior and create habit strength through focused practice. The work required to change behavior may be the reason many choose to take the path of least resistance — and not walk down the path of change. What we decide to do is guided by the answer to this question — do we want to be the person our colleagues want to work with or to avoid like the plague?
LARRY COLE, PH.D., is a lead trainer for and consultant to the North American Equipment Dealers Association’s Dealer Institute. He provides onsite training and public courses to improve business leadership effectiveness and internal and external customer service. Please send questions and/or comments to Larry at teammax100@gmail.com
